Can Never Be Him
by sweet-and-simple
Summary: Matsuri tries, but she can't replace him. No one can fill that gap, not after he died. GaaraLee, GaaraMatsuri, Matsuri hate


_His hand, usually so strong and warm, appearing like heated apricot, was cold and weak in the grip of my own. His obsidian eyes stared sadly up at me with what life was left behind. His hair, always so glossy and pitch black, was greasy and lanky, oily in appearance. Cheeks that had been full and a smile that had been wide and welcoming were no longer there, leaving behind hollows beneath his tired eyes and a small twitch of his lips every now and then. _

_I should have known fate was too cruel to allow me this selfish joy. _

"_Gaara…"_

_My lover stopped to suck in three reluctant breaths, as if my name had been too much for him to speak. I kept my own breathing calm, pressing his ear to my heart in an irrational hope that his body could pick up the tempo of life it had once known so well. _

_Edovita: derived the Latin words, 'Edo' and 'Vita' meaning 'devours life'. A disease of the chakra system that is inherited and deadly. It begins by attacking the manipura, which is the power chakra located in the solar plexus. From there, it worms into the Svadhisthana, the chakra of the abdomen and sexual organs. After that, the muladhera, chakra of the spine, is targeted, and then the other four are attacked simultaneously or in varying order. It can go into remission, hence why my lover survived his first bout in his early childhood and has not had any problems since, but there is no cure. It always returns. No one has lived to their forties with this disease, and my lover shows no signs of being the first to defy that knowledge, even with his strong will and inhuman determination. _

"_Marry… again…"_

_I stroke one hand through his sweaty locks, tipping his face up because I know he does not have the strength to do so himself. With a gentleness I had not known about before my lover had shown me, I touch my lips to his. Despite the cracked and dry texture of his almost blue lips, I feel the familiar spiral of need within myself. He is dying, and I want him still… I need him all the more… _

_I can't lose him like this. _

"_No."_

_His eyes blink slowly up at me, just barely comprehending. I keep his gaze shamelessly. This is one wish of his I will not grant, not for anything. _

"…_Don't w-…want… you… … alone…"_

_It's a testimony to how strongly he feels about this subject as he raises the hand I am not holding to lay it against my face, the cold flesh trembling and shaking with the difficulty of it. The hand that had been stroking his hair captures the limb, holding it up to my face as it gives out and almost collapses back to his chest. _

"_I won't be if you stay with me."_

_Tears form in the corner of his eyes, then trickle down his cheeks. With no thought of it, I taste each of them on my tongue, following them back up to touch my lips to each trembling lid. With not enough strength left to speak again, he opens his eyes and stares at me, conveying his every want and wish through obsidian orbs. _

_It was a weak attempt at getting him to fight harder, and I knew it was an unsuccessful one as well. Lee, for all of his talk of getting stronger by the day, was becoming weaker by the second. At any moment, I know I could feel his heart stop and his lungs falter for the last time. He has outlived the expectations already believed of him, staying in this dying body for five months already. They had all been certain he would last between five weeks to seven. _

_He sighs one last time, something he had taken a habit to doing as of lately. He shuts his eyes and manages to whisper three words beneath his breath that I am still able to catch. _

_It is several hours before the housekeeper came in to give my lover his medicine and set out the bath so he could be bathed. She, the same woman who had spat in my path when I had been a child, the same hard hearted woman who would curse me instead of fear me every time there was another blood stain to clean, cried silent tears as she walked back out of the room, her shoulders shaking. _

_Instead of caring for her, I merely pull his stiff body closer to mine, unable to defeat the doubt in my mind that he was truly dead. He was too strong to die like this… Yet, I could hear fate laughing in my ears. When it came to me, it didn't matter how strong another was, they simply died. They died as if I were destined to be alone…_

_His ashes were cremated, three months after his death. As his body burned, my sand enveloped his body, taking the flame and ash into itself. Some around me screamed, most looked away. I simply took what was mine. _

_As I laid in the bed that had known so many nights of my lover and I, I continue to stare at the gold band on the ring finger of my left hand, my sand spinning spirals across the surface of the sheets and dancing across the floor. I thought of his last words and how I wished they could be different. _

_He could have said 'I love you.'… He could have said 'Don't be alone.'… Instead he said 'Please, for me…' _

_And I have never had the will to defy him._

_-----------------------------------------------------------TIME SKIP----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _

She had been trying her hardest. She had tried helping the staff clean, she had tried seducing her husband, and she had tried to call her sibling in-laws by honorifics. The first had ended with housekeeper spitting on her, the second having her husband turn her down coldly, and the third…

She shivered at the memory of the puppet nin looking at her with burning hatred and the wind mistress actually attacking her. From then on, she had noted never to call her husband's brother 'onii-san' or her husband's sister 'onee-san'.

Nevertheless, she wasn't going to give up that easily!

With a bright smile on her face, Matsuri attempted to glomp Kankuro from behind, screaming at the top of her lungs as she did so.

"HELLO, KANKURO!!"

In the next moment, she was on the ground, the puppet nin practically trembling with fury. In his eyes, however, she could see pain.

…

"_Kankuro-sama!" _

_Kankuro cried out an aggravated 'hey!' as Lee landed on his back in a flying embrace. The scowl on his face, nonetheless, was fond, as he dropped his brother's husband unceremoniously onto the ground. _

"_Don't do that."_

_Lee pouted up at him, standing suddenly to his feet to bow at the waist in a plea for forgiveness._

"_I am sorry, Kankuro-sama! If I ever leap onto your back in hopes of a piggy back ride again, I shall run 500 laps around Suna on my hands going backwards!"_

_The scowl on Kankuro's face was now dark. He hmphed as he adjusted the strap of the scroll that held his puppets, turning his back on Lee._

"_I meant, don't call me Kankuro-sama. We're brothers now."_

_There was a long silence as he walked away, then he nearly toppled over to the ground, the large weight on his back coming out of nowhere._

"_Thank you! Thank you, Kan-… Onii-san! Thank you!"_

_He wheezed as the younger squeezed him in a bear hug, then paused as he felt something damp touch his clothes. _

"_Are you crying!?"_

_He heard the other sniff._

"_I am sorry, Onii-san… It is just that I have never had a brother before."_

…

"Don't ever fuckin' do that again, got it?"

Without waiting for an answer, he turned away from her, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Matsuri choked on a sob, then pulled herself back together. She still had three more people to go through! She went in search of her sister-in-law next, hoping for better reception.

She found the blonde haired woman in the training grounds, her large fan cutting the boulders before her into tiny parcels. Matsuri took one look at the fury… and began sobbing inside herself. She turned her back, thinking to walk away without being noticed.

"What do you want?"

She stood perfectly still, hoping that, if she didn't answer, she would be ignored. Instead, she heard the fan clack shut.

"Well?"

She turned around to look at the blonde who was staring impatiently at her, leaning against the tall weapon of hers. Matsuri forced herself to smile.

"… Would you- um… m-mind if I … trained with… you?"

The hesitation and stuttering came from pure undiluted terror. She was certain that, if the offer was accepted, she was going to die. She watched Temari's face close up, a bitter scowl on her lips.

_,…_

"_Temari- sam-…"_

_Lee paused in whatever he was about to say as Temari gave him 'the look'. It was the look that said 'If you don't correct yourself right now, we're going to start playing a round of hide-and-go-seek with my fan'. _

"_Onee-san!"_

_Lee almost cooed in joy over correcting himself in time, then began to race forward once more to look in awe at the destruction about them that had been caused by the wind nin._

"_Wah! Onee-san, may I join you in your youthful bout of strength and grace!"_

_A familiar flame entered his eyes as he clenched his left hand, the gold band on his ring finger catching the light and reflecting it. _

"_Even better! Shall we have a match to determine who is the most youthful of us two!?"_

_She quirked an eyebrow even as she smirked, clicking her fan open as she took up a stance._

"_Why not?"_

_Joy lit up the boy's face as he began to almost shake with excitement. He dashed a few paces back, then took his own stance._

"_YOSH!!!!!"_

…

"I _would _mind, actually."

She began walking away.

"I'm done anyway. You can have the area to yourself."

She took a deep breath, her chin and bottom lip trembling. Within seconds, she disappeared from the area, rubbing furiously at her eyes as she went in search of Myu, the head housekeeper.

She rushed through the front door of the kage's mansion, her flesh trembling somewhat with what she was about to try to do. Kankuro scared her. Temari terrified her. Myu simply petrified her. The woman could make any seasoned ANBU run crying for their mommy… Aside from her husband, but that was all the better. It meant that the woman couldn't outright harm her.

She found Myu in the large guest room, the room her husband had been sleeping in all through their three months of marriage. For a moment, she was… captivated… by the sight before her. Myu looked like a grandmother that was caring for a sick child she knew wasn't going to make it. The lines and creases of her face were more obvious than ever as her aged brown eyes stared pitifully teary at the blankets she was fixing.

As Matsuri was taken agape by this show of sorrow, the housekeeper looked sharply up at her, sadness evaporating into disgust.

"What do you want, _mistress_?"

Matsuri clacked her teeth together and had to hold back a growl. The old hag never had accepted her. No one had accepted her. She forced herself to take a deep breath, then spoke calmly.

"I was wondering if I could help you with anything…?"

She stood tensely, hoping for a better outcome to the question than last time.

Myu looked at the girl coldly, her trembling hands holding the white sheets tightly.

…

"_Ah! Myu-san, please do not bother with that!"_

_She could not help but chuckle as the washed blankets were whipped from her hands and spread out on the clear mattress within less than a second, a very proud Lee standing by the newly made bed._

"_I don't know why I bother anymore… You just do everything by yourself, it seems…"_

_Lee met her gaze, then closed his eyes in a shy smile as he rubbed the back of his head in an endearing way. _

"_I hope it is of no concern. I just wish to help in any way possible!"_

_She chuckled again, easing herself down onto the newly made bed. Usually, she didn't let herself do such scandalous things, rest in a bed that was not hers, but she had damn well worked hard enough for the privilege and with Lee there, there wasn't anything left for her to do with her day… And it was only noon!_

"_Child, you have helped this old lady in every way possible… I'm surprised I haven't been laid off by now for doing nothing!"_

_Instantly, she held a weeping raven haired man in her arms, blinking down in startled surprise at the crown of Lee's head. _

"_Oh no, Myu-san! I would never do such a thing that would leave you of your job! From now on, I shall only do the jobs that you are incapable of doing!… Not that there is anything you can not do, Myu-san…"_

_He added on as her hand tightened so strongly over his shoulder, he could feel the grip bruise the flesh. She chuckled once more, stroking a hand through his bowl cut. _

"_Feel free to do what you will, child."_

…

"There is nothing you can do."

She began smoothing out the ripples of the blanket, her frosted brown eyes staring down onto the mattress as if it were the criminal in all of this.

"Now leave me be."

With no fight, Matsuri left the housekeeper far behind.

Feeling beaten enough, she crawled into large king size bed of the master bedroom, curling herself around one of the pillows. She had one person left on her list… and that was her husband… Her husband who had never consummated their wedding, her husband who would not hold her, her husband that would tell her coldly to leave the room…

And then, she was going to have to try all over again. It was so obvious that no one wanted her there… But she refused to go anywhere else.

* * *

Blue-green eyes studied the flat surface. The sturdy wooden desk was clean. Appearing waxed in the light that filtered through the large window before his large chair. His mind, however, was not seeing the desk as clean…

…

"_G-Gaara!"_

_He pumped his hips more furiously into the raven haired boy beneath him, leaning down in the same breath to mark the flesh of Lee's neck. Beneath him, Lee cried out, arching his chest into the wood of the table to momentum his ass further onto Gaara's cock. With each thrust, Lee was more and more likely to split the desk into miniscule pieces, his hands only finding Gaara's wrists to hold onto, and that in itself was an awkward position._

"_What do you want from me?"_

_The question could have a thousand answers, the redhead knew. That meant nothing, nevertheless. He waited, because there was always only one answer that Lee would answer him with._

"_Love me harder!"_

_He did so, his hand wandering around Lee to grab his erection and pull on it. His blue-green eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head as the flesh squeezing his cock became tighter and more constricting, practically swallowing him, even as Lee screamed in release. -_

…

With his hands tangled into his wild red hair, Gaara had his elbows on his knees and was facing towards the window. He swallowed painfully at the air, one hand trailing away from his blood locks to grip at the cloth over his frantic heart.

Lee had been a broken man when Gaara had lowered himself to his knees and asked the raven to marry him. Gaara had not seen the predicament coming. Lee was such a romantic… A man that could only have one love for life… Yet, the moment Gaara had uttered the words, Lee had broken down into sobs… and not the ones Gaara had been prepared for. Gaara had been both furious and betrayed when Lee had managed to say 'no'. He had kneeled before someone, asked them a question that meant Gaara's future, and had been shamed. Even as a child, no one could have gotten him to such a feat as Lee had been able to do. He should have put more thought into what Lee had promised him to do when Gaara had, without pause or discomfort, told Lee that he was going to experience his body. Lee had not fought him, though the surprise was obvious. Oh no, he had simply made Gaara promise something that would have made him laugh had that been who he was.

"_Promise you will not fall in love with me."_

"_I swore never to love anyone but myself as a child… You have no worry of that." _

Several months later, Gaara learned that he had fallen for a dying man. The same night that he bowed to the damned emotion, the gods had snickered and cackled behind his back.

Lee had been dying Gaara had thought that, with Lee's physical strength and optimistic attitude, it would be too difficult for a simple disease to take his lover away from him. He had disregarded the unfortunate news five days after learning it, and had then hunted down the leaf jounin just to hold him down and tell him that he was going to marry him. There would be no exceptions, and whatever years Lee had left, they would be with him. In his bed. In his home. As his husband. As his. Period.

Five years later, this is where he sat. Memories surrounded him. Pointless fights that had always ended in them loving each other more. Hard loving that had ended with him holding an icepack to his lover's lower backside as he continued on with his work simultaneously. Days that ended with just holding each other. Lee had been too affectionate and caring not to be touching him continuously. Lee took to making love like he had taken to training. Gaara took to making love to Lee like he had once taken to suckling blood into his sand.

Now… Laughter was gone. There was still a desk in the corner of the room where Lee had decided early on in their friendship to do his work, even before they had became lovers. He had simply refused to leave Gaara alone, as if, in his sensei's absence, Gaara was Gai's replacement. Gaara had never suggested otherwise, though the first few times had make him stare blankly at the jounin for long moments before returning to his work. The desk shined as if Lee had just finished washing it down, a quill in its ink jar on the furthest corner of it while a fresh piece of paper sat in its center. On the other side over from the quill were three pencils and one pen, set in organization from height, then color. Something Lee had done in boredom… Right before he had smiled palely as Gaara, stood to his feet, saying 'I shall get some fresh air and return within two minutes, or I will not leave this office until there is not one sheet of paper left to sign!', and had promptly collapsed at the door.

The edovita had came out of remission.

"Gaara-koi!"

His hand clenched tightly into the arm of the chair, actually ripping the fabric from the stuffing beneath. He turned back to the entrance into his office, his blue-green eyes staring emotionlessly as Matsuri came into the room.

She stopped once she saw his face, smiled sheepishly, and attempted to sit at the desk… for the third time in a month. As if she knew the importance it held to him and felt that she could get that to rub off on her. Sand hissed in warning, and she leaped away from the gathering grains and the desk.

He watched as she took a collective breath, then narrowed his eyes as she smiled in what could be seen as a seductive manner if not for the nervous trembling of her body and the uncertain twitch of her lips.

"Gaara… I'm lonely, sleeping in that big bed all by myself…"

Of course she would be… He had never once entered that room since Myu had cleaned it of every hint of Lee. That was when he had began sleeping in the guest room where Lee had stayed during his long term diplomatic visit. The room was forever preserved now. Only open to the housekeeper for her to do the sheets and remove the dust. The sheets, no matter how many times they were washed, was always the same forest green blankets that Lee had fallen in love with at the market store and bought out of his own pocket. Each of them held a forest scene, and there were three of them. One of them was a snapping turtle coming out of the riverside. The thickest was one of a deer running through the dense woods. The thinnest was one of a squirrel eating a nut in a far above branch. It didn't take two and two to know why Lee had wanted the set so badly.

She moved forward, sliding around the table to stand directly before him. He continued to stare blankly as she removed the dark red robe she had been wearing, revealing… something that could not even be considered wearing something. It was brown and whorish, as far as he cared. He blinked at her once, then turned away to look out the window. There was nothing left to do this day… Not one sheet of work, nor anything outside that needed his guidance or support.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Matsuri frown, fumble the robe, then gain back her confidence. She sat down on his lap, stretching long smooth legs on either side his robed ones.

"Don't leave me lonely anymore…"

His eyes flickered back to her, the skin above his eyes drawing together in anger.

…

_Lee squealed loudly as Gaara dumped him onto the bed, having just carried the sleeping jounin. The weights his lover was wearing were ridiculously heavy, but it had not bothered him in the least. The fact that his lover had fallen asleep at his desk, sprawled across the surface of it with the pen still in his hand, had been too… endearing… to him for some strange reason that had twisted pleasantly in his heart. At first, his lover's hand had swung up to defend him in his unconscious state, then had recognized his touch and relaxed into his hold. Even in his sleep, Lee trusted him to not hurt him again. _

_He blinked down at his confused lover, than turned to walk away, thinking to finish the last pages of work left at his office. He was stopped, however, by his husband's voice._

"_Wait, Gaara…"_

_He stopped, turning his head slightly to stare at his lover over his shoulder. Lee smiled under his attention, falling back onto the bed from where he had been sitting up. _

"_Rest with me! You have been working so hard this past week! If you are to do anymore, I will be the one having to carry you home!"_

_Gaara blinked._

"_I don't have much left to do. You will be asleep by the time I return, but I will be back before dawn."_

_Lee's smile became sad._

"_I know, Gaara… I just do not want to be alone another night…"_

_He rubbed one spandex clad arm with the opposite hand._

"_It is selfish of me, but I just can not sleep peacefully without you by me anymore… Please, Gaara? Do not leave me lonely anymore…"_

_He pulled his robes off, stepped out of his shoes, and was devouring his lover from the outside in before he was even fully on the bed. _

"_Please, do not think it selfish of me…"_

_Lee asked as he wrapped his arms around Gaara's shoulders, lowering himself down onto Gaara's awaiting length, his apricot skin shaking and glistening with sweat. He never finished his statement, however, as Gaara captured his lips, swallowing his words. _

"_Never… As your husband… It is my obligation to satisfy your wishes."_

_The head pass Lee's tight ring of muscles, both of them panting and Lee softly moaning, Lee cooed with a slight smile on his lips._

"_Obligation, husband?"_

"_Privilege."_

_He suckled on Lee's nipple, his blue-green eyes swirling up at the lusting raven. _

"_Always my privilege."_

…_._

Matsuri cried out as she landed on the ground, staring up as Gaara stood to his feet and walked around her.

"I will be gone. Don't expect me within several hours."

Finally, she screamed. She could not take this anymore. The loud sound of frustration paused Gaara at the door, waiting without question for the reason for the outburst.

"Damn it, I can't be him!"

It was the first time she acknowledged that Gaara had been married before her. She simply hadn't cared before, even knowing the 'who', the 'where', the 'why', and the 'when'. She had even known that the other had died, and the 'how' of it. She had simply ignored it. She had never cared for the bastard who had stolen her only love from him. The day she had been called before the kazekage months years after the jounin's death, and had been told that she would be marrying him, had been the happiest of her life.

Now… She didn't even know why she bothered.

"Because I am _better _than him! I can bear you a _child_! I can be a _wife_! _Why won't you love me_!?"

All the shriek got her was Gaara's blank eyes staring down at her, no warmth to be found in his cut features. The moment, however, was small. Then the kage was walking away from her once more, his words floating back to the fallen woman.

"Because you're not him."

Life should have gone perfect for her after that manwhore had died. She was supposed to get the power that came from being married to the kage, the love form the kage, and the family from the kage. She was supposed to finally have Gaara. Instead, she meant nothing… to anyone, as could be derived as no passing being looked to her with even pity.

Because Gaara was right, she would never be better, never know the affection of these people, because she wasn't _him. _

* * *

_-deep breath-… I don't know… Originally, I was thinking about how else to say 'F you!' to the manga, and then this was created…. It's booty full… with lots of Matsuri bashing… And then I make myself sad… Because I killed Lee… -Hides beneath the ocean and begins wailing- WHY AM I SO CRUEL!?!?!?!? Anywho… I am not entirely certain if I got the dates corresponding, but… I like it._


End file.
